How to Avoid Saying Things you will Later Regret
I ended up getting into an argument with my spouse that escalated out of control! I said some things I regret and I don’t know how to patch our relationship up.
Unfortunately, this happens all the time in relationships. When two people negatively respond back and forth to each other, continually upping the ante while the conversation gets more and more hostile, escalation has occurred.
The most harmful thing about escalation is that in the heat of the moment you tend to say things that threaten the well being of the relationship, statements you cannot take back. “You're so selfish, you're just like your dad” or “You can't ever do it right” or “I wish I never married you.”
Don't let escalation ruin your relationships. If you tend to be in conversations that escalate into damaging interactions, you can change. Learn to prevent escalation from happening in the first place.
Remember it takes two people to argue, but it takes only one person to stop an argument.
Tip 1: Time-Out. Learn to recognize when an argument is about to escalate and call a “time-out.” Say something like, “This is getting heated. I need a few minutes to think through what I want to say” or “Can we talk about this after dinner? I think it is better if we talk about this when we are not hungry and tired.”
Tip 2: Communicate Respect. If a “time-out” is not possible, try to stop the negative pattern by showing respect and acknowledging the importance of the other person's concern. “I can see you are very troubled by this" or "I understand honesty and fairness are important to you.”
Tip 3: Use “I” Statements. Say, “I can't think straight when you pound your fist on the table” instead of using “you” statements that cause the other person to become defensive, retaliate and up the ante like, “you are always so violent.”
Tip 4: Use Active Listening. Sometimes the other person just needs to be heard. If you listen with genuine interest and ask questions about why they are upset, they might calm down. Let's look at the following scenario:
Jane: “I can't believe you did that after I told you not to.”
Paul “You're raising your voice, so I know you're upset.”
Jane: “I have to raise my voice, you never listen.”
Paul: “I am listening now. I'd like to talk about this but without the shouting. When you shout it is distracting and I can't concentrate. I know this is important to you and I want to be able to focus on what you're saying. Can we start again? How did I upset you?”
Tip 5: Use Humor. Sometimes humor can de-escalate the conversation, if the argument hasn't gone too far. Saying something like “Oh no, here we go again...” might help.
Tip 6: Say Something then Leave. If the conversation is becoming hostile say something like, “It is not okay with me to be treated like this, I am going for a walk. Hopefully we can talk about this after lunch.”
Tip 7: Leave. Sometimes saying anything fuels the flames of a fight, so it is best to not say anything at all and just walk away. If appropriate, bring up the issue at another time.
Take Away Tip: L. A. S. T. Technique
Watch yourself over the next few days. Become aware when an argument is starting to escalate. If it does, remain calm, lower your voice, and try to keep the situation private. Use the L. A. S. T. Technique to determine your best options.
L: Listen - Listen to the other person and pay attention to what she or he is saying.
A: Assess - Assess the situation - is now a good time to resolve the conflict or is a “time-out” better?
S: Stop - If it is the best solution, take a “time-out” and plan a time to return to the conversation.
T: Turn Away - Sometimes it is best to just leave the situation and get out of the line of fire. If appropriate, bring up the issue later when the situation is under control.
Studies show that if a harmful pattern like escalation is not corrected it will cause significant damage to any relationship. In marriage, escalation will send a couple into a downward spiral that ends in divorce 98% of the time. John Gottmann PhD, Gottmann Institute, Seattle, Washington
In the workplace, escalation brings about stress, resentment, lack of productivity, and high turnover. If you are not successful in making changes yourself, find a professional to help you.
About the Author
Helen is an American Marriage and Family Therapist and Licensed Professional Counselor. She has a Masters Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy, and a Masters Degree in Intercultural Studies.
Helen is an expat herself having lived in several countries: Holland, Finland, Switzerland, former Czechoslovakia, and Russia. In addition, she has lived in Austria off and on since 1980. She has been serving couples, individuals and children in the expat community worldwide for 40 years. She works with individuals with relationship problems, career decisions, anxiety, depression and other issues.
Helen has also helped many expat couples in Vienna turn their marriage around. She shows them how to improve their communication, set boundaries, and resolve conflicts by using videos, personality tests, role plays and other tools to bring about rapid change. Many of her clients have learned to better communicate, and have created loving, healthy marriages.
Additionally, Helen works with children who are having a hard time at school. Expat kids especially, may have trouble adjusting to school routines, on top of handling a new culture and possibly language. That's why talking to someone can help. Helen is happy to be there and assist through the difficult times.